Old Green-eyed Monsters

Do you ever stop to think about the impact of others in your life? Do you ever find yourself really not liking some people? Sure you do. Do you ever question yourself as to why you don't like that person? I do. All the time. Very frequently I find that I do not like them because their immorality is more than I can stand.

Now, it is no secret that I am a Christian after 20+ years as a neo-pagan. There were a couple of flirtations with Christianity sprinkled into that 20+ years, but let's just say I was not committed and was still pagan for all intensive purposes. I am quite unapologetic about being Christian, so like it or leave it. And my husband has recently accused me of becoming a militant fundie. He does so because I do not support 'gay rights'. Or abortion. I could care less if they are allowed to marry legally. I think homosexuality is a disgusting, anti-nature state to be in. I thought so as a pagan. I think so as a Christian.
I refused to do handfastings as pagan clergy for same sex couples because it goes against nature.
So, really, I was quite judgmental before I found my spiritual Truth. I started to question why I was so judgmental. Where did it come from? It did seem to be a family trait, but even that came from somewhere. And then it was brought to my attention during the funeral of my Grandmother. God rest her soul. Being judgmental is one of the offshoot effects of envy.

**This judgment of others' immorality is not to say that 'I am better than them'. Please, dear reader, do not assume that. It is only that I have enough bad behavior of my own that I am whittling away (hopefully) that I must choose my company carefully until I can be strong enough to maintain the integrity of my belief system without being influenced by other's beliefs and behavior. I am not that good a Christian yet. (That is the only disclaimer you'll get out of me)

Anyway, I was on about the influence of judgment and envy. Well, on me particularly. One of the first things that God brought to my attention were family relationships. And Envy.

I have these cousins that I loved when we were children. But, as we grew, I saw their life as much better than mine. Their father was wealthy. Their mom stayed home to take care of them. They had a beautiful home with a pool and a playhouse out back. They got cars at sixteen. Their parents were supportive of everything they did. And they were skinny and pretty to boot. They had everything. I began to hate them. I was so envious. That was where it started. Within my own family.

Actually, it probably started earlier than that. I believe it may have begun with my brother when he was born. I saw my mother as being more favorable towards him than me and so maybe that's where it began.

Anyway, it became a lifelong reality. I was envious of everyone around me. It can lead to some disasterous behavior, too.

I stole a coat because I was envious that the girl had it and I didn't. I stole money because my parents didn't have any to give me. I did a lot of things I should not have done because of envy.

But the worst thing envy does to you is it destroys your relationships, both existing and potential. Family is the core learning block for our survival in society. Mine was destroyed because of my envy of siblings and cousins. It made it difficult to make friends and build bonds with people outside the family unit because I did not know how to be a friend to anyone.

To this day (with the exception of the relationship I am now in) I do not have strong ties to people I knew growing up. I am trying to build my family relationships (but the cousins may be too far gone) and keep my current relationships healthy and active. It is not easy.

The Bible has helped me with this a lot. The story of Cain and Abel really opened my eyes. Even in the Bible, envy began with the siblings. Cain could have asked God what he needed to do to make an acceptable offering. He could have traded with Abel for the right stuff. He did not. He let envy become anger and destroyed his brother because of it. I do not want to be like that. I have spent Forty years envying, being bitter, and hateful, and angry, and wanting harm to come to others. It is time for a change.

I suppose this is a bizarre topic to blog about. It has been on my mind for several months now. I first thought I would write a book on envy, but it just was not coming together. Instead, I'll just share my thoughts with you here periodically as I work through it. Maybe it will help someone else. The Good Lord knows, envy is tearing churches and marriages, families, friends apart everyday. We could all use some help in that area. Drop me a line, I'll be glad to pray for you anytime.

Oh, and those cousins (and their Dad) that I hated for so long, I thought we would never see one another again after my Gran's funeral. Their mom and Dad keep popping up in the strangest places. Funny how God just won't let things go, huh?